


The Journal of Jared Padalecki, or A Day In The Life

by wildwordwomyn



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Mild Language, Sexual Content, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-28
Updated: 2010-03-28
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:58:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwordwomyn/pseuds/wildwordwomyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen proposed to Danneel and she accepted. Jared has to live with this knowledge. That doesn't mean he wants to, or that he's good at it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Journal of Jared Padalecki, or A Day In The Life

 _**Entry #1**_ 

 

"I proposed to Dani. She said yes."

 That was how it started. Two simple little sentences. And everything has been downhill from there. Well, I know it's wrong to say that. But you didn't see Jensen's eyes when he'd said them. You don't know him like I do. He was telling me something. Something big. Something real. And I didn't hesitate, did I? Ran off to propose to my own girlfriend even though I'd already been there, done that, and it hadn't ended well. I mean, don't get me wrong. Even though Genevieve and Sandy share the same size and eye and hair color they're also different. Sandy wanted so much of me. I was young enough to believe I could give it all without there being any consequences. Gen, on the other hand, is independent. She doesn't need me at all. So, yeah, I went from one extreme to the other. You think I would've learned my lesson?

Apparently not. Because the truth is I'm married now and I can't help thinking the wrong person is sleeping next to me. She's so strong. So cool and smart and funny. Fool me once, right? Only it's nobody's fault but mine. It started with two simple little sentences. Yet here I am, writing in my journal that Gen thinks I'm too old to keep, catching a glare from the reading lamp glancing off my wedding band, feeling bound in the same way I did when San and I were engaged. Feeling guilty and stupid and way too regretful for a guy who got back from his honeymoon just a month ago. I should be happy. So why aren't I? Better yet, why aren't I fighting for what would make me happy?

"I proposed to Dani. She said yes."

Shit, Jensen! Why didn't you take it back?!

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

_   
**Entry #2**   
_

 

 

 

Every time we talk now, every time I see him, I can hear it in his voice. Like there's a line now that can never be crossed. I'm such an ass. Because now that I know the line is there I WANT to cross it. Gen talks about wedding stuff with Dani and Jen rolls his eyes like an indulgent groom-to-be but when he catches me watching he turns away. He hides now. How do I make him stop? I want Jen back. My Jen...

Not mine! I shouldn't have to keep reminding myself of that fact! HE IS NOT MINE! But for a little while during season one, before 'the line', I had him. And he had me. And it was good. I realize now THAT was happiness. I was free then. And now...Now I'm just...Not. Not anymore. Neither is he. What the hell was I thinking?!

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

_   
**Entry #3**   
_

 

 

I love my wife. I really do. That's why I'm so damn sorry!

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #4**   
_

 

 

Another day hard at work on set. Jen keeps saying I'm getting better but I'm not. I'll never be as good as him. In any way. I watch him become Dean and he just blows me away. I want people to see how good he is, to be as proud as I am. I want it too much to even be jealous. Jesus, how could Dani not fall for him? Not want to wake up each day next to such a beautiful man? I would want to, too, if I was allowed. But I'm not, am I? Am I? Shit!!!

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #5**   
_

 

 

 

Dreamed about him. Again. They're getting worse now though. The dreams. Who knows why? They just are. How can they be worse than the naked, grunting, animalistic sex-charged dreams I've been having, you ask? Well, let me tell you they can definitely get worse than that. It's bad when you actually dream about holding someone's hand as you talk a walk around some suburb. Or when you do dishes together. It's really bad when you dream about kissing. Nothing else. Just soft, sweet, romantic kissing. I'm so pathetic. If he knew he'd kill me. Can't help wondering if he dreams about the same stuff, you know? What if he does? What if he knows what he feels for me is stronger than what he feels for Dani and he's just as afraid as I am?

  
_Jen,_   


  
_It's a good thing I'm only writing this in my journal and not actually telling anyone, especially you, or else there'd be hell to pay. So here goes nothing. I love you. I will never love anyone like I love you. This is it. You're it for me. My wife will never touch me like you can, smile and make my heart skip a beat, have me laughing so hard I cry, leave me aching and shaking from just a hug, make me need as much as you do. Period._   


Sorry but I had to tell someone. Even if it's just myself. Had to get it out.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #6**   
_

 

 

I started this journal the day I got married. To have a record of my life with Gen so I could look back and think, "Wow, what a great life!" And all I've talked about so far has been the other Jen. I am so fucking screwed!

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #7**   
_

 

 

Been married 2 months now. Was just thinking about the wedding. I remember Gen's dress. All that white was so damn bright it hurt my eyes. But she looked amazing...Know what else I remember? The heat of him behind me. Wanting to lean back and feel it. Just once let myself really feel it and not let go, not move away after the appropriate amount of time. Just stand close and get lost in him. His strength, his scent, his touch, his...His everything. God, I wanna get lost in his everything. He looked so beautiful and sexy in his tux. I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be thinking about Gen's smile and her 'bridal glow' and how happy she seemed to be standing up there on the altar with me. Instead there's Jen. Behind me. I close my eyes and that's the image that comes to me. Him.

I'll never get over him, will I?

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #8**   
_

 

 

I shouldn't have done this. She blushes when she calls me 'husband'. Like she's lucky to have me or something. Can you believe this? It pisses me off that I did this to myself. That I married her so she could be the one to call me that when all I want is to call him that. I should've broken up with her. Hell, never should've dated her in the first place when I knew she wasn't who I really wanted. Why did I fucking do this?! Today we went shopping for a grill. Because she thinks the grill he bought me when I first moved into my house is too big for the deck. I think she's asserting herself. She knows he's too embedded in the house and she's trying to stake her own claim to it, to me. The problem is she can't. She doesn't belong here. Not the way he does. Did? Does. Anyway, there we were in the store, holding hands, when the sales guy comes over and asks if we need help. She said 'her husband' (pointing at me and blushing, of course) needed a new grill. I smiled and acted like all was right with the world but inside? Inside, where it counts, I was thinking her voice was too high when she said it. She doesn't have the right something-or-other. She just doesn't sound like him. Which is seriously unfair. Unfair and all kinds of wrong to wish your best friend would, could, call you that. I imagine hearing Jen blushing while saying 'my husband'. And I'd blush back. Why? Because I'd know I was the lucky one.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #9**   
_

 

 

Gen and Dani are having a girl's night out. I'm awful close to being drunk. And I'm ashamed enough to consider calling him over. I won't but god, do I want to!

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #10**   
_

 

 

Bad day. Don't feel like writing.

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #11**   
_

 

 

Another bad day. Hating myself. Don't need to tell you why, do I?

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #12**   
_

 

 

Had sex with Gen this morning. Was thinking of Jen before, during, and after. I really wish I could turn off my brain sometimes. Especially lately. Got a beautiful wife and a great job and two crazy dogs that I love dearly and a big house ready to be filled with kids that take after her. This should be what I want, what I need. Why can't it be? Gotta try harder. She deserves that.

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #13**   
_

 

 

Lucky #13. Or maybe unlucky, huh? I should put days as headings, I know. Just don't want to. Wonder what that says about me? Harley ate the fern she bought and got sick. Tried to tell her dogs and plants don't mix but she didn't listen. Now we've been cleaning up puke for the past 4 hours. He knew automatically. And whenever he didn't know he asked, and heard what I had to say...

Why am I even comparing?! They're apples and oranges! No. She's a shiny new red convertible from overseas that you break the bank to buy when you're 45 and going through a mid-life crisis. It's great until it isn't. Until your knees go bad and it's a bitch to even get in, let alone out of it, and the 20 year old girls you were hoping against hope to pick up look at you like you're their dad. While he's the Ford pickup you've had for the past 15 years that still runs good even if it leaks a little oil every now and then. It's comfortable and clean and dented and still fits you like a glove after all this time. And you don't trade it in simply because there's no need. Because he works just fine.

Yup. Just re-read that paragraph and realized I've officially lost it. I would laugh but it's not funny at all.

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #14**   
_

 

 

I have a thing for hands. Gen's are small and soft. It's weird. They don't look fragile, which is nice. I like when she puts her hands on me. But I love his hands. His hands are bigger, manlier, yet delicate. His hands look well-taken care of and he doesn't go to a spa or use those home manicure kit things. Not that Gen has rough hands. They just look sturdier. She's petite but feisty, you know? And I love that if she got into a fight with someone she might actually win. But I'm not sure if I trust her hands like I trust his. The first time he gave me a massage I literally melted into the chair. She has to work at it. My neck, my shoulders, stay just this side of tense. Him? His little finger can make me relax and that's before the massage begins. A shrink would have a field day with this alone. Don't get me started on his eyes!

 

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #15**   
_

 

 

Going to hell. In a hand basket with glitter and sparkles on it. Had another dream last night. Which isn't unusual. But this one had me on my hands and knees and I was loving every second of what he was doing to me. I was begging for more, couldn't get enough, needed him to break me in two. And afterward, when I couldn't move and my bones had turned into jelly, he still kept going like he was the Energizer Bunny. Woke up this morning hard and sticky. Luckily Gen's out of town shooting an indie. Had to jerk off in the shower to the images in the dream and I was getting so loud I actually screamed into my fist.

Jesus! Definitely going to hell!!!

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #16**   
_

 

 

Gen came back today. Nothing else to say.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #17**   
_

 

 

 

Gaining weight. Drinking too much and eating too much and working out too little. Gen says she doesn't mind but she lies. She doesn't really look at my body much these days, especially during sex. When I'm at work Jen just asks if I'm sleeping okay. "What's wrong, Jay? Let me help!" He knows how to help. I know how he can help. Neither one of us is willing to do it, though. Doing it would mean we couldn't pretend anymore and people would get hurt and I don't think he could live with that. Not sure I could either since I'm married now.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #18**   
_

 

 

I really didn't know it would ever feel like this. This ache in my chest. Missing what I don't even have. Needing what isn't mine. I didn't know anything!

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #19**   
_

 

 

You don't know this, Gen, but when I call out that name I don't mean you...

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #20**   
_

 

 

She caught me crying earlier. I was back from work and she was cooking dinner and I was in the bedroom changing and it just hit me. This is my life. The life I chose. It shouldn't be a mistake, but it is. I can undo it but...So I was crying and she walked in. I told her the scenes were hard. Emotional. "You know how it gets sometimes, Gen. Can't let the pain go that easily." I wasn't exactly lying. I just wasn't telling the whole truth. She doesn't know, will never know, that I was crying about him.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #21**   
_

 

 

Today on set he was looking at my ring. I'd been twisting it around my finger, playing with it until we were ready to shoot. Slipping it on and off. No big deal. But when I saw him looking I actually felt guilty somehow. Even now that I'm home I'm wondering why that was my first reaction. I'm married. I should be allowed to play with my wedding ring if I want to. And if someone catches me I should feel proud and maybe, possibly, bashful. I shouldn't feel guilty, that I do know. Yet I did. When he saw that I saw he looked so...heartbroken. And how unfair is that? I mean it's not like I planned to hurt him. And he started it by proposing to Dani. If he hadn't proposed first...

Hell, who am I kidding? We'd still be here. Not together. Pretending we're only friends. Of course, none of this explains why I ran full-tilt into the marriage with Gen while he's still only engaged. Maybe I thought I could handle watching him walk down the aisle with her as long as I was taken. Because if I wasn't when his wedding happened I might have tried to speak up when the preacher asked if anyone had cause to protest.

Maybe I would've pulled him aside as soon as he was finished dressing and slowly pulled down the zipper on his tux pants and pulled out his dick and pulled it into my mouth and sucked so slow...And it always comes back to that, doesn't it? Me wanting to taste all of him, to smell his sexy Jensen-smell, to watch as he loses control, to hear him whimper and groan, to feel his skin heat up once it touches mine? The thought of him growing big and hard in my mouth, on my tongue, makes my mouth water. Imagining his hands on my cheeks, drawing me in for a sweet, little kiss makes my breath catch. His arms holding me close...Is this how he felt when he watched me play with my ring? That it should've been his ring on my finger instead? That he should've been the one standing beside me in those wedding photos and eating that cake and dancing with family members during the reception? Because if it is I would have to say I know exactly how he feels.

So please tell me exactly why I got married?!

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #22**   
_

 

 

"I love you, Jared Tristan Padalecki. From our first date until I take my last breath, I will love you. That is one thing you will always be able to count on. That my love for you, and you alone, is everlasting. This I vow..."

That's what she said. She wanted us to do our own vows and she said those exact words. How can I remember them so precisely? Because there was a surreal moment when I could hear myself saying them to him. Almost passed out at the 'alternate universe' feeling of it. All I could think was, "The fangirls don't know the half of it." And they don't. They don't know that I didn't pass out because I couldn't do that to her. Couldn't hurt her like that. Couldn't make her think even for second that she was my second choice or that she never had a chance. No matter how true it is I just couldn't bear the idea of her eyes when she found out. So I went through with the ceremony and, for once, acted my ass off. Oscar-worthy performance of my life, I gotta say.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #23**   
_

 

 

I want to blow him. Can you believe that? Want to suck and kiss and worship his dick like it was a god in and of itself. Want to relish the weight and size and hardness of it. I've seen it accidentally. Not up close and I can and have used my imagination enough times to figure out how red it would get. How shiny and pale it would look with my spit on it. I've gotten off on just imagining kissing it once on the head so that should tell you something. Hell, I could write a sonnet about just what it might feel like, all smooth and hot and heavy and so damn Jensen it would make me weak in the knees.

The thing is I should NOT, I repeat, NOT be imagining my best friend's dick at all. Let alone jerking off to fantasies of him fucking my mouth so hard his come burns my throat as it goes down. I should definitely NOT be jerking off a second time within a minute imagining him doing it again just because he can and because I want it that bad.

I need to blow him. I need to be fucked by him. I need to feel him mark me with his teeth and his come. I need him to use me. To spread his come into my skin and not let me shower for days just so I can smell like him. I need him to come in my ass and make me walk around afterward so I can feel it drip out of my hole. I need him to fuck me hard enough to be sore for days, to open for days, to be hungry for days. I need to feel him everywhere. Under me, over me, beside me, inside me, surrounding me. I need...I need him to hold me after until the shaking ends and I come back to myself and the tears have stopped and the need is satisfied. Then I need more.

I want to blow him so good he ends up needing me too.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #24**   
_

 

I hate scenes where we're in the Impala. He used to call it the Love Machine. Ha ha, funny. Only not anymore. Sitting next to him in that tiny space is torture. I know the crew's around as well as whoever the director is for that episode and Gen sometimes stops by when she's in town. But his thigh is so close. I could stretch my hand out a few inches and touch it. It looks so warm and solid and there. There and trembling and scared and aching and it wouldn't take much. I know it wouldn't. He thinks I can't see it but I do. He can't always hide it as well as he thinks. He wouldn't stop me, I don't think. Just sit there without saying a word. Just let my hand wrap around as much of it as it could and take it like he had no other choice in the matter.

See? Torture!

Form fitting and moulding to the muscle and it's RIGHT THERE! God, I gotta distract myself or else I'll be jumping Gen just to get some release!

Fuck!

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

_   
**Entry #25**   
_

 

Four month wedding anniversary today and it would seem we know how to celebrate in style. We started the day off with a fight about, of all things, her cousin's margarita maker. First of all, I didn't know they even made gadgets like that. Second (secondly?) I didn't know it was in the unspoken but universally known marriage rule book that gifts given to you at your reception were supposed to be used by you and your wife before being used by you and your best friend. It was for a party and we hadn't used it yet and I didn't think it'd be a big deal but it turns out I was wrong. Beyond wrong. In other words she knows there's something special about me and Jen and didn't appreciate me doing something with him that I hadn't done with her. So I've been apologizing for the past hour and I'm pretty sure there won't be any sex tonight and the couch is probably gonna be where I'm staying tonight and I'm still buzzed off the margaritas that were surprisingly good out of a machine specifically made for them and, yeah, today kinda sucks.

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

 

_   
**Entry #26**   
_

 

 

When it first started getting bad between me and San she asked if there was someone else. I said no and she called me a liar. I remember thinking she was right. But I never would've cheated on her. I didn't cheat on her. She just clung too much. Always wanting us to spend time together when the thing was we hardly saw each other. 8 to 9 months out of those first couple years I was in Canada shooting Supernatural and she was in L.A. auditioning for everything she could. I got used to not being around her. I mean it was great when we were on hiatus and I was back in L.A. myself. But when she came to visit me in Vancouver I had a life that didn't include her. She was jealous of it. Can't blame her. But I couldn't change it either. That life kept me going when homesickness almost made me pack it in. When Jen made me almost pack it in. 

What's even worse is once I called the engagement off and started dating someone new she thought it'd be Jen-the-guy, not Gen-the-girl. And now I look back and I can't help asking myself why I didn't try to date Jen-the-guy. He wasn't single but he also wasn't as involved. And maybe if I'd stopped running and actually told him how I felt he might not have proposed to her at all. We might not have been in this situation. Is it my fault? Did I bring this whole thing on myself? Here I am, married to a girl I love like nobody's business, a girl I would kill for, also married in my own way to a guy I would die for, a guy who can smile at me and make me ache inside. A guy who, if he asked for it, could have my heart without having to ask twice. Let's be honest, a guy who I would give up my wife for. What the hell am I doing staying with her when I feel this way? How am I doing her any favors?

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

_   
**Entry #27**   
_

 

Got sick on set. Dani's in town talking wedding stuff. All she did was touch the small of his back. Nothing else. Just a simple, little, intimate touch between two engaged people. Only I saw her do it and it just got to me. I literally threw up in a trash can and claimed a cold so I could leave. Think he knew why I left too. Knew I couldn't deal. Not today anyway. He just said, "Take care, dude," and half-smiled as I walked out.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

_   
**Entry #28**   
_

 

Heard him singing at lunch. The song was slow and soft and unknown and made me cry. It, he, sounded so lonely.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #29**   
_

 

She leaves tomorrow. I hate her for having him. I love her for loving him. He deserves more than I could ever give. And she gives so much. The bitch. Sorry, Dani. I'm sure she would understand if she knew.

She and Gen are alike in a lot of ways. Gorgeous and fierce and not afraid to get mad. Don't ever fuck with them. You'll regret it. But when they like you they have no problem saying or showing it. They're funny as hell and extremely smart and people are always underestimating that about them.

And yet neither of them will ever hold a candle to Jen in my book. Jen is just amazing. He's beautiful and honest and loyal and trustworthy and fun and cautious but when he lets go he lights up the world. And no one will know him like I do, no one will ever see his smile and feel it down to their toes or have him get pissed at them and disappear into themselves. No one will be able to love him as consistently, as selfishly, as sincerely, as I do. I wonder if he knows that.

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #30**   
_

 

 

Six months. Made it this far. But things are shaky. I kissed some girl while we were out getting drunk last night. Don't remember her name or if she was actually worth kissing. What I do remember is watching Jen as I did it. Remember that her eyes were closed but his were open and I regret how hurt he looked but not how hurt she'd make me feel if I told. How messed up is that?

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #31**   
_

 

Depressed. That's all. Just want to fall into darkness and never come back.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #32**   
_

 

Still depressed.

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #33**   
_

 

She keeps asking me what's wrong. How do I tell her that as much as I love her I'm not happy with her and I want a divorce?

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #34**   
_

 

Chris and Steve are in town taking a break from touring. How Chris sings and acts and keeps it all going is beyond me. But he has Steve and I think that's what does it. He has someone holding him up when he starts to fall. They act like they're just friends but I'm pretty sure that's a front. The way Steve looks at him sometimes is the way I look at Jen. And Steve doesn't lie. Or at least he tries not to if he can help it. I could come right out and ask but what would be the point? Chris isn't the type to talk much about his feelings. Although there was a time when he almost lost Steve so I guess he's more amendable to talking about them now. They jam on my deck and Gen looks like she wants to fall asleep because she's so bored and I'm wired from being around their crazy energy. I want to tell her to go somewhere else, go see friends or something. But she says, "I hardly get to spend time with you, Jared." So I tuck her under my arm and make sure not to look at Jen every second and wonder if, when Chris watches Steve, he sees all his hopes and dreams rolled into one messy, happy package and that's why they're still rocking out after more than a decade of making music together. Maybe they can't hide it as easily when they write together. Maybe Steve licked his lips one too many times and Chris just couldn't stop himself from whimpering. Maybe Steve got his ass slapped enough on stage to wonder what it'd feel like off stage. Maybe they just wrote too many songs about each other to deny it anymore. And me and Jen don't have that. We can run and hide and pretend as long as we have to because we don't have anything telling us we're supposed to do otherwise. Except the show. I don't watch the episodes once they're in editing. Don't wanna see what I might not be able to hide. Hopefully no one else can see it. Hopefully Gen can't. Or Jen. Actually Jen probably can. He usually sees right through me.

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #35**   
_

 

Gen's birthday. Sent her flowers and a card titled To My Wife. When I was in the store I looked at the To My Husband cards too and actually bought one. Luckily the cashier wasn't paying attention (thank god for fans!) or else I'd have looked like a total idiot. Soon as I got in the car I read it and bawled like a baby. Something about how the wife thought their wedding day had been the best day of her life only to have every day since be the best. Much as it hurts I wouldn't trade the time I spend with him for anything in the world.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #36**   
_

 

Depressed again. Had a few drinks once I got home. Called Gen like I do every night we're apart and talked the whole time about him. Not good.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #37**   
_

 

She asked if I love her...

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #38**   
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Do I love you? Yes, I do. As much as I can. It's just not enough for either of us. I'm sorry.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #39**   
_

 

Would it be a waste of time for us to go to couples therapy? Gen wants to try. Says she meant every one of her vows and if I meant mine I would give it a shot. I'm thinking this is the last thing we need. But she's determined so during hiatus we're going. And I'll have to talk about my feelings for her. Which means I'll have to talk about my feelings for him. Because they're so fucking intertwined! I'm supposed to tell a shrink that if she was him there wouldn't even be a problem? That even though I was bi before we got together she still just kind of assumed the same-sex part of it was non-existent since all my relationships have been with women? That the part of me that wants guys is very much alive and well, and, oh, by the way, the reason I knew I was bi is BECAUSE I fell for my on-screen brother? I'm just supposed to tell a total stranger I want to suck a certain guy's dick so bad it makes my teeth ache? Or that I would love it if I could hold his hand just once without it being because I'm helping him up?

Call me crazy but I doubt that should ever be said out loud!

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #40**   
_

 

Another dream about him. So damn tired anymore.

 

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #41**   
_

 

Hiatus. In L.A. with Gen. Just got back from our first therapy session. The guy said I was tense. Could it possibly be because I was fighting to keep my feelings for Jen beneath the surface?! Going for a run. Gotta get this out somehow before I go crazy and say or do something I shouldn't.

 

~^~^~^~^~

 

 

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**Entry #42**   
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He broke up with Dani. Just called to tell me. Right before Gen and I have our second counseling session. Great timing huh? Now I get to go in there and act like I'm not happy or angry or whatever else is in my head at the moment. What if I let something slip? How's a marriage counseling session with your wife supposed to recover after accidentally admitting to a permanent, on-going, love-filled hard-on for your best guy friend? Just wondering. I mean can you just move on from that?

 

 

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**Entry #43**   
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The shrink asked to see me on my own today. It's been a week since our last session and I didn't let the secret out but he says he can tell there IS a secret so there I was, sitting on his couch, which is so shrink-ish, by the way, when he says, “Tell me, Jared, do you love your wife?” I say, “Yes I do, Doc,” cause I just can't call him by his first name. Then he says, “Then why are you keeping something from her?” Thing is I like that he had the balls to ask. No bullshit. Just up and asked. “Because it would kill her if she knew.” “Know what, Jared? You have to say it out loud if we have any chance in dealing with with it.” “You ever love someone so hard you can't love anyone else the same? Any time you try it never measures up? And even though you let yourself love someone else that first person just has so much of your heart it's pretty much impossible to give the rest to that other person? You love her and she's everything you want but she can never be everything you need? And it's not her fault? She never did anything to make it that way? It's just that she never really had a chance?” Yeah, like an ass, I actually said all that. Couldn't help myself. “What's her name?” he asks. I say, “Well, Doc, that's the worst part because her isn't a her at all. Her is my co-star, the guy that plays my brother on the show.” And just like that, it's out. Me and my big mouth.

He says he's never watched the show and doesn't know who Jensen is and so, of course, I wax poetic for a good 15 minutes about all things Jensen Ackles. I tell him I thought it would go away after a while but it's only gotten worse. He tells me that's how it works when you repress your feelings. Well, no shit, Doc! I know that! How do I stop it from getting out of hand? I swear the man looked at me like I was a total idiot. He says, “Jared, you wouldn't be here if it wasn't already out of hand.” Well, when you put it like that...All I could do was cry. So I did. For the last 10 minutes of the session. Because I knew, I mean I know it's out of hand. But I can't make it stop. I can't stop wanting him or loving him or liking him and I'm screwed ten ways from Sunday and I know it and it still doesn't change the fact that I'm married to someone who really doesn't deserve any of this.

 

 

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**Entry #44**   
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So...Yeah...Had another couples session with Dr. Anderson. Have another solo session today. It's been a week since the 'coming out' session. Don't know what to expect today. The last couples one didn't go so well. I kept wondering what the shrink was thinking. If he was looking at me funny. If he was thinking the marriage is doomed. Not that it isn't but...I don't know. I want to be able to fix it. Just disconnect the wire between me and Jen and get on with my life. I just don't know how. It's like it's welded on and I can't get it loose.

 

 

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**Entry #44 continued**   
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Am I gay? Nope. Bi with a leaning toward women if anything. I've been attracted to other guys before. Before Sandy. After Sandy. Before Gen. Since Gen and I got married. Not enough to act on it but, yeah, I notice and for a second I wonder. I told Doc that wasn't the problem. The problem is that I'm in love with someone who is not my wife, who my wife can't compete with, who is in love with me and who's just as afraid as I am to do something about it. My sex life? Well, it's hit and miss, usually more miss than hit these days, but that's not it either. I say, “You're obviously straight.” He almost looked hurt. Well, why else ask me such questions? It's not even about his gender, Doc. It's about him. His voice when he calls my name, his sparkling green eyes when he smiles, the always welcome weight of his hands when he touches me, the concerned furrow of his eyebrows when he catches me yawning during a lunch break. It's all this and so much more that I don't have the time to name. It's who he is. Course, the man had to make things difficult by saying, “But that's not all. You want him. All of him. Do you think you would want him so much if he had a different body? A woman's body?” He got me there. Because I don't think I would. I love how slender he is. How he has hair on his chest and the scruff on his cheeks when he hasn't shaved for a few days. There's something unguarded about a man's body, something vulnerable. I don't look at a woman's body and automatically think that. Most men would but I don't. What makes men interesting to me is how little they let show of their emotions, their desires. When I catch Jen looking at me there's a hunger but there's also a longing that speaks to me in a way Gen never has. “So what do I do now, Doc?” He just looked at me and said, “What do you want to do?” I think I made that pretty clear. I want not to hurt Gen, not to hurt my family. Mostly I want not to hurt Jen. 

During our next couples session the doc looks right at me and asks, “What will make you happy, Jared?” What will make me happy? What will make ME happy?! “Divorcing Gen-the-girl and marrying Jen-the-guy.” Shit! I fucking said that out loud!

She stared at the floor and for a good minute you could hear a pin drop. I could tell she was crying. Softly, though, like she'd been expecting it. How'd she know I would say it when I didn't know? Finally, after forever and a day, she says, “Then you should do what makes you happy.” And walks out. Leaves me and the shrink looking at each other with no clue about what to say.

Guess she knew all long huh? “I'm sorry, Jared.” Why's he sorry? He's not the one who fucked up his life so royally that he had to go to a shrink to fix what went wrong. “What if he won't have me? After all this?” Because until now I've never considered that he wants to stay in the closet, that he wants to continue with the marriage to Dani and play it straight. What if I tell him and he walks away too? “Would he? From what you know of him, from what he hasn't been able to hide, would he do that?”

 

 

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**Entry #45**   
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Even though Gen moved in a few months ago to work things out she's leaving again. Calling lawyers and talking to people in her family and circle of friends who've been through a hard divorce. Although technically we'll be getting annulled. But who cares what it's called right? It's still happening whether I like it or not. Whether she likes it or not. It's what's best. I know it. But it still hurts.

 

 

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**Entry #46**   
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Depressed again. But relieved too. Can't hurt her any more than I already have. And she knows I tried, whatever consolation that is.

 

 

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**Entry #47**   
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So I called him. Waited until he picked up and said, “We're annulling the marriage. I finally told her the truth, Jen. I told her I loved her but it wasn't enough. I told her I needed you.” And then I hung up. Figured the rest was up to him. Guess we'll see what happens next.

 

 

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**Entry #48**   
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Three days. No word from him.

 

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**Entry #49**   
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I think I could die right about now. Still no word and a another seven days have passed. Not eating or sleeping. Just laying in bed crying. It feels like my heart's been ripped out of my chest and torn into a million little pieces.

 

 

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**Entry #50**   
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He's here! I had to grab a moment alone to tell you, to make it real. He showed up, said he was sorry but he had to get his affairs in order, whatever the hell that means, but he's here now and he's never leaving my side again. And his smile! Jesus, I can finally breathe again!!!

  
  



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